today miss ang asked me to get back my confidence. she probably meant in my writing, though it's quite impossible to know what she really means sometimes. but it's true, i cannot bring myself to re-read any of the essays i've written recently, because it sounds so weak. i don't write with the same conviction i used to, because there are not many things i believe in anymore. ironically, this probably has to do with gp. all the critical questioning i've been taught opened up many more loopholes in my beliefs and ideas, and i don't feel the same about them. it seems like the more i question, the less answers i find. i'm not even convinced about what i'm writing much of the time now, i'm just desperately trying to fill up the words. it shows very clearly in what i write, that i don't believe what i've just said.

i don't know if it's a good or bad thing, really. it's a "higher level of thinking", so called, but i wonder if it's worth the sacrifice to lose my assurance for that. it's somewhat like the question "if you have cancer, do you want to be aware of it?". ignorance is bliss, or knowledge is wealth? i guess it's related to growing up. the older you are, the more aware you are, the more painful life gets.

oh well. at least my inability to form a coherent sentence has been compensated by my increased proficiency in hokkien swearing. maybe thats what aj does to people; the great aj switcheroo.

somewhere, my society-bashing hammer is lying around idle. it's time to take it out again eh.

scribbled
8:38 PM